Elsie finishes making her bed, still sobbing, still 50 thoughts simultaneously swirling in her head, heart still pounding. She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror through her tears that stops her dead in her tracks.
Shew, I look crazy. I am crazy thats why I look crazy. Look at me, tears covering my face, red faced, puffed eyes, foaming at the mouth…they are going to lock me up sooner or later. Probably sooner, than later, if anyone sees what I look like right now…quit, don’t go there…there’s no time for this….stop it, STOP IT!
She didn’t know how she was going to get through another day.
What Elsie also didn’t know is when she is 32, she is diagnosed with panic and anxiety disorder. The decades of hiding it, suppressing it was too much, and Elsie’s body just began to shut down, literally
Her doctor said it was the worst case of anxiety and panic he had ever seen.
What made Elsie different than other cases he had diagnosed, is Elsie didn’t have the “typical” panic and anxiety attacks, that most people have, the ones that will hit, run their course and subside.
Elsie woke up with the her heart pounding 130 plus beats, all the other symptoms, and it lasted until she went to bed at night. All day, every day.
The doctor and physiatrists were astonished Elsie could sit there, as if nothing was happening to her, when her vitals told them that she was in distress.
It would all make sense then. The constant heart attack feeling, her nausea, her head aches, her feeling of being crazy, and needing to, or fear of being locked away, the vertigo, the depression, the list went on, and on. To Elsie it read like a daily schedule.
Elise was comforted to know that it wasn’t her. She wasn’t crazy. She wasn’t going to have heart failure at any minute.
Now, they could work on the physical, and figure out why it was happening…but the memories…those are a different story….