But unto Thee have I cried, O LORD; and in the morning shall my prayer prevent Thee. LORD, why castest Thou off my soul? why hidest Thou Thy face from me? I am afflicted and ready to die from my youth up: while I suffer Thy terrors I am distracted. Thy fierce wrath goeth over me; Thy terrors have cut me off. They came round about me daily like water; they compassed me about altogether. –Psalms 88:13-17
That I have great heaviness and continual sorrow in my heart. –Romans 9:2
Looking back over my life, I see times that God worked things out just like He wanted to. It might not have been what I wanted. He had to drag me kicking, and screaming in most situations, fighting Him aaallllll the way.
Even so, God has His way.
All the times I didn’t see God’s hand working out all the details, big and small. Missed it. I see it now but at the time, I didn’t see it. Looking back it’s an “ah ha” moment.
We can’t “see” God but if we could, would we see Him?
The world starts to crumble, first knee jerk reaction, what do I do? Get in gear, jump in, fix it. When it all gets too hard, becomes impossible, a last resort, then I remember to pray.
Decades ago this wasn’t even prayer either. It was grumbling, murmuring, complaining.
“Oh, by the way, O LORD, something bad happened. Sorry I didn’t come to You first. I wanted to fix it all by myself. I made a huge mess, it ‘s worse. Why did You let this happen?”
Since all things end at God’s feet. Why didn’t I start there? Why didn’t I run there first? Yeah, I don’t know either. :):)
There could have been a lot more abundant living in my life, if I had just ran to Him, first.
God has shown me this. Many, many times.
I always end up at His feet anyway :):)
He is so Good, all-knowing, Almighty. Ready to teach. Ready to receive us, Ready to forgive us. Ready to help us.
It brings me great joy to know the struggles she went through. Even though she was unwilling to be grateful to God, do what He asked, which was so little, and accept the Help, only God could give her through Jesus, God never abandoned her.
A week or so ago, depending on when this gets published :) I experienced one of the worst panic/anxiety attacks I’ve had in years.
I was going about the daily routine but something was off.
It was familiar but foreign.
Later when I realized, ok, this is happening. Let’s see where we stand.
I took my heart rate…140…that can’t be right. Let’s calm our self, and let’s take it again, we should any way…132.
Ok, 132 is better, let’s make the third time a charm…136.
Yep, it’s full on…I’m not running a marathon, hiking a mountain, or even on the treadmill??? I’m just going through the daily motions of life.
I kept talking to the Lord through all this. He never abandoned me. Thank you God.
I know the steps…what comes next…control the breathing, important we don’t need to be hyperventilating ;) headache, nausea, vertigo, vomiting(sorry), days of physical recovery(sore muscles, joints, etc)
It’s rational. All the things you’d expect, your body to do if your heart is been beating 132-140 beats per minute, for HOURS…..:):):)
It’s another valley in life that has to be walked to get to the next blessing.
Yes, God can heal all of that, in that I have faith, and proof. But that depends on my faith, and it isn’t strong enough. It’s getting there because I’m not having these all day, everyday, anymore.
There’s my proof :)
My faith isn’t strong enough to move a mountain yet either :):) BUT, again, that’s a “me” issue, not God ;)
Which brings me back to the lecture at hand.
I love writing about Elsie, but I didn’t like the memories it dredged up, which caused my physical distress last week.
God has blessed me to not have this physical distress, that plagued me for decades, anymore.
I can be thankful for that and let that sleeping dog lay right where it is, or I can pick that scab, and keep digging at it, until I have a massive attack…hahaha. I can laugh now but when it was happening, it was anything but funny, and I swore never to write about Elsie again :):)
They say that every person will have 2 panic/anxiety attacks in their life.
The second attack is usually always, always caused by fear of having one again. They will avoid talking about, avoid where it happened, avoid situations that are similar to when it happened.
Me writing about Elsie is equal to that.
When I can, I will write about Elsie. When it won’t cause the physical reaction that comes along with it. If it was therapeutic, and needed to be talked out, then I would. As it stands, it’s already been beat to death, and is a dead issue. Now it is just a memory, like all the others, that I have.
Is it perfect? NO. Nothing is! When I become perfect, never mind … hahaha :) …we know that’s not happening ;):)